Happy Birthday To Me?

Today is my birthday. What a difficult time, but God, our friends and family are helping us get through this. I thought this would be more difficult of a day than it was. Although your gone, there are so many people here who love and support me. I miss you but I also thank God that He trusted and chose for me to be your mother.

Burial

Today was one of the most difficult days of my life. I had to go somewhere this morning and I stopped down at the cemetery. I can not believe I did it, but I stopped to talk to the man and young boy who were digging the hole for your grave. I asked if I could see inside, and they allowed me. "Not to bad." I thought to myself.

This is the church, Patetown Church of God, where we had your ceremony. Pastor Allen Stocks is the pastor there. He sang Amazing Grace and Jesus Loves me, he has a wonderful voice.

I will never forget this day. All of your Daddy's co-workers came. Of course your grandparents, your Memere, Pepere, and several other family members and friends came to the services. Although we have not been in this city long, we sure had a whole lot of support.

Funeral Plans

We made plans with Stephen Howell for your funeral today. Daddy and Grandpa went with me. I sure did not want to go alone, and was glad I did not have to. Mr. Howell and his wife are so nice. He treated us so well, and was so professional. He gave us his condolences and only charged us half of what it would have normally cost for the funeral.

The part I dreaded the most, was going into the room to select your coffin. I asked Grandpa, "How do I do this?" and he commented, "It is just something that needs to be done, Rhonda." We all went in and I immediately saw a tiny pink little casket. I knew it was the one. Grandpa and Daddy asked some questions, but that is all I really remember. Later, we were asked if we wanted anything to be placed into your casket with you. I asked Madeline if she would pick out something. She went into your room and got Kanga and Roo. She said she thought you would like them.

Mother's Day 2005

We went to church at Patetown Church of God, the little church down the street. Everyone was so nice and supportive. Someone asked how could we be in church today, to which I responded "We do not want the Devil to get a foot hold in our family." I cried during most of the sermon but it was good to be in the Lord's house among so many caring people.

Today, I started praying, asking God, if it was His will, could he bless our family with another baby this time next year.

Aunt Susan and Uncle John are here, along with other family members from out of town. I was hoping they would go to church with us, but they did not. When we got home, I understood why they did not go. Madeline had told them that all I wanted for my birthday was a crabapple tree to plant out back. They had went to Lowes and purchased the tree, and planted it for me. I cried like a baby when I saw it.

You were so beautiful. Not sure how it is possible to miss someone you did not get a chance to know, but we sure do miss you. Oh, how I long to be with you again someday in Heaven.

Your Birth-Day

I finally went into labor this morning. I was scared and did not really know why. I called Daddy to come and get me to take me to the hospital. As he was coming to get me, I prayed and asked God to send me a guardian angel. Little did I know how important that would be for me. I was so tired and thirsty, I took a drink out of the little fridge and drank it. He came home and we proceeded to the hospital. Once we got there, my nurse hooked up the ultrasound. She told me she needed to get the doctor, and he came in. They could not find your heart beat. He looked at us and told us you were gone. I screamed and told him to hurry up and get you out and fix you. There was a tear in his eye that fell as he told us there was nothing he could do. He gave us some time alone. Later, I would be so grateful for that.

When he came back we talked about options for your birth. He told Daddy that if at all possible, he would recommend that Mommy give birth to you and that we not have a c-section. He went on to tell us that it would be better for Mommy because she would not have a scar that would always remind her of the surgery. It would also be faster for me to heal, and not hurt as much. We decided to take his advice. He set up a Ptosin to help me along a bit faster. I talked to the doctor and told him that when Madeline was born, I was on some kind of pain killers and I did not remember much of her birth. I also told him about being in the hospital at times for my depression, and not being able to remember everything, or know what I was doing at time. I told him it was really important to me to remember your birth, and the details of it. I want to remember what you look like and your beautiful face. We also talked about pain management, and of course I did not want the pain either so he had the nurse give me morphine. I am not sure how much was given to me, but I am here to tell you, I sure felt the labor pains, and whole lot of pain during your birth. I am proud of your Daddy and I for being able to bring you into this world. Although you were still born, I am blessed to be the one who was chosen by God to be your Mommy.